As if she hadn’t given us reason enough to dislike her by scuppering the campfest that would have been the Spice Girls reunion at Live 8, now Melanie Brown foists her second (and surely final) solo album on us. Make no mistake; if LA State of Mind had been recorded by a new artist, and not by a former Spice Girl, it would never have seen the light of day.
The impetus behind this record seems to be Mel’s desire to convince us how happy she is in her transatlantic home - which I’m sure no one would begrudge her - but she could have just sent a postcard.
‘Today’, the indifferently-received single, opens the album in a somewhat old-fashioned manner. Mel aims to sound upbeat and optimistic but the results are as convincingly jolly as the weathergirl on GMTV. She bandies about words like “wonderful”, “great” and “beautiful” but none of it transfers to the listener. We don’t feel this “feeling I’m feeling”.
The country twang at the start of ‘Stay In Bed Days’ suggests a different tact, but the faux-excited “whoop” that shortly follows cuts that dead. Pitching itself somewhere between a Nashville version of The Gogos and Wilson Phillips, this is the sort of song that should only to be played in a car on a sunny day during a long drive. The fact that Mel repeats the phrase “Stay In Bed” an impressive forty-five times gives a strong indication that the number doesn’t exactly develop. When she includes some tuneless kiddies shouting various “yes” and “no” responses towards the end of the track, you wonder if she’s consciously trying to irritate.
‘Beautiful Girl’ might sound like Wings’ rendition of the Crossroads theme but works as a pleasing, sentimental tribute to her daughter. For this song really to impact, you need a stunning performance but Mel’s vocals are anonymously competent.
There should be a law against Brits attempting Salsa tracks. The infectious party rhythms inevitably end flatfooted when tried by those hailing from these parts – Kirsty MacColl was one of the few who could carry it off as she loved and surrounded herself in South American music. The clumsy production of ‘Music of the Night’ sounds less like Bebel Gilberto or Gloria Estefan, but more like a low-budget version of Geri’s ‘Mi Chico Latino’ – My Cheapo Latino, as it were.
Whilst the Spice Girls were not exactly renowned for powerhouse vocals, Mel B always gave the impression of being a fairly adept, if unremarkable, singer. So can anyone can explain why her vocals on ‘If I had my life again’ are flatter than Palm Springs? Is there a producer in the house?
Before this is dismissed as a one-off, she makes an equally bad fist of ‘In Too Deep’, the kind of song that pop singers like Natalie Imbruglia would take in their stride.
When things can surely get no worse, Mel bungee-jumps her way down to ‘Sweet Pleasure’, not only the worst song on the album, but the worst song this year.
To a plodding, Nineties synthfunk backing, Mel talk-sings her way through her own equivalent of ‘Justify My Love’. Sadly her broad Yorkshire accent arouses nothing but derision and conveys all the sexual allure of Ann Widdecombe in a bikini writhing in mince. Not even fresh mince. “I’m captured by you whisper / into a minefield of love” she declares bafflingly.
If Madonna couldn’t quite pull off ‘Erotica’, what possessed Ms Brown to revisit this territory. Possibly the same reason she “borrows” so heavily from Sheryl Crow’s ‘All I Want To Do’ on the title track - because Melanie has no musical identity of her own.
That she has any career left in the music industry rests entirely on trading on past glories. ‘Say Say Say’, though centred around an acoustic guitar accompaniment, is essentially a disguised Spice ballad. When she tries something different, like the eighties’ electro funk of ‘Bad Bad Girl’, the results are unlistenable.
The leaden weight of the saccharine final track, ‘Hold On’, guarantees this dud will sink without trace. Accompanied only by piano, this could be Melanie auditioning for a Broadway musical. Shame that they didn’t have someone shout “Next!” at the end of the track to finish the whole unconvincing affair on a note of honesty.
Originally published 4 July 2005
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