Making Your Mind Up - feature

Hello United Kingdom, this is Kiev calling - at least it will be in May when the Eurovision Song Contest 2005 celebrates its 50th anniversary. Yes, it may be frothier than a cappuccino maker and camper than Cher in a tutu, but the extravaganza really is the grande dame of musical kitschness.

But before we get there, the nation needs to choose a song with plenty of boom bang a bang to bring home the coveted trophy. You guessed it, it's time to unfurl the Union Jack with a cry of "nul points never again" and cast your vote when Making Your Mind Up makes its triumphant return to BBC ONE on Saturday 5 March. Hurrah!

After last year’s effort surely we can get someone who can carry the Union Jack better than Jemini could carry the tune of ‘Cry Baby’. Well, with any luck!

So, what are the contestants like? Well, our five Euro-hopefuls can only be described as a mixed bunch and there’s certainly plenty of camp appeal - now there’s a surprise. But who has the most Ding Ding Dong?

Name: Andy Scott Lee
Song: ‘Guardian Angel’
Andy’s time with 3SL first propelled him and his two brothers Steve and Anthony into the limelight, but it was his subsequent success on the TV phenomenon Pop Idol which has seen Andy establish himself as solo star in his own right.

The official BBC biog says that Andy has “become as recognisable a face on the pop landscape as his equally famous sister, Lisa.”
We say: How cruel [We love it. Ed.], give it a few years and no one will remember Steps!

Andy says: “I really believe in my song. I believe in my own ability. Although Cheryl Baker has said I could borrow her skirt if I want!"
We say: That’s a nice namedrop and Jay Aston might have just swung it for us.

The song was written by Lee Ryan and is a typical, slushy lyrical Blue ballad. However, it’s musically credible, so must be instantly ruled out”

GaydarNation rating:
It’s way too serious and could only be rescued if David Hasselhoff had a walk-on appearance as the title character!

Name: Gina G
Song: Flashback
Australian pop sensation Gina G represented Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest with ‘Ooh Aah, Just a Little Bit’ back in 1996 coming in at a highly respectable seventh place. The song rocketed to number one and remained in the top five for nearly three months, making her one of the most successful acts Britain has ever had at Eurovision.

Official line: “Fast forward to 2005, and Gina is now looking to conquer Europe, and claim the Eurovision crown that some say was rightfully hers.”
We say: There is something Shakespearean about Gina’s revengeful return. What’s more, Shakespeare couldn’t write a good tune either.

Gina says: “The amazing thing was, just as I was thinking about contacting them, they contacted me. I nearly fell over!”
We say: We didn’t realise the BBC had G-A-Y’s telephone number.

The song is complete pop fluff with more hooks than a butcher’s backroom. In fact, it’s typical Euro-fodder.

GaydarNation rating:
Gina is a seasoned Eurovision pro but we expected Ooh Ah, Just A Little Bit More from this song.

Name: Javine
Song: ‘Touch My Fire’
When it comes to performing live on stage, Javine is certainly no stranger to the pressures involved. Having spent two years in the coveted role of Nala in the West End production of The Lion King and playing to packed houses every night, her skills were honed to perfection.

The Beeb says Javine shot to fame on Popstars: The Rivals, “Proving hugely popular with viewers throughout the show's run, Javine made it to the last six girl singers.” We say: In other words, she lost.

Javine says: “Music can be what ever you want it to be and to see all these different countries coming together on one night and hearing all their different influences is a great experience.”
We say: Ah, the optimism of youth!

The song has a middle-eastern feel to the slinky dance beats but could an Iranian sounding J-Lo win the contest?

GaydarNation rating:
Nice strategy to make the song as unBritish as possible. This song could play very well with the international audience. I think it’s destiny, she’s our gal!

Name: Katie Price
Song: ‘Not Just Anybody’
Katie Price rocketed to fame as her alter ego Jordan, the nation's much loved and best known glamour model. At the age of 18 Jordan was a fresh face in Page Three and became a regular on the nation's most well known page. Motherhood, a stint in the jungle, and a pop star boyfriend has only added to her celebrity. Now there are the beginnings of a brand new musical career.

The official line: “Although music as a possible career progression for Katie has been well documented in the press, the time has never been quite right.”
We say: Er, no - the time has never been right.

Katie says: “I'll do my very best, and I would love to fly the flag for the UK, but if I can't fly it, then I'll wear it.”
We say: Katie’s bulldog spirit makes you proud to be British.

The song is as big and bouncy as Jordan herself. It sounds like the dance theme to a gay James Bond film. Applying Katie’s saucy seaside postcard campery to the Eurovision seems a perfect match

GaydarNation rating: Jordan and Eurovision, both over inflated and trashy fun.


Name: Tricolore
Song: ‘Brand New Day’
Stuart Pendred, Jem Sharples and Scott Ciscon collectively make up the unique concert act Tricolore. Bringing wit, charm and distinctive vocal arrangements to their show they have performed throughout the UK, Europe and the USA.

What the BBC says: “At first glance, an operatic act may not seem the most obvious choice for Eurovision.”
We say: No Hutton enquiry needed there!

Tricolore say: “We guess being different can be a good thing at times. Our style of singing seems to be quite popular at the moment.”
We say: Eurovision certainly is the home of the ‘different’.

Following the approach of G4 and Il Divo of strapping some mingers into suits and belting opera-lite to the masses, the song, ‘Brand New Day’, has all the faux-international panache of ‘World In Union’ played to a synthetic dance rhythm. Saying that, it could be a Euro-winner.

GaydarNation rating:
Tricolore are our best chance of winning the Eurovision as the boys understand the full absurdity of their entry: “When the dance break comes in, look out for my Brotherhood of Man!” says one third of Tricolore.

Originally published 28th February 2005

I like it when you look back on something you've written and having forgotten it, that it makes you laugh. Egotistical..moi?